ok

*deep breath*

why do i do this to myself?

why do i do this to him?

its not fair that he has to tell me things repetedly.

he knew what he was getting into though.

and though i am getting a hell of alot better, i still have those self doubts and insecurity when it comes to my looks.

and when i see myself sometimes its liek WHOA hwo the fuck can he want me?

and then i tell him about it.

and its so not fair.

and he listens.

and he watches me cry.

and it kills him.

and then when its over.

i feel like shit.

and rightly so.

i need to stop myself when i get like that.

i need to drill it into my head that yes, this is real somebody loves you despit your apearence, somebody loves your appearence.

i owe him huge.

HUGE

he shouldnt have to deal with that.

nobody should.

its just very real anxiety that i pour to him.

he asked.

but i should still control it.

i have an idea

when i get like that

we should think of a word

a word he can say that can alert my brain that i'm having an irrational worry, that i'm blowing things out of preportion.

[hell, i ddint go to therapy for 10 years for nothing ;)]

shit

i owe him everything

i'm sorry, nathan.

i am.

i'm sorry i make it difficult for you to love me sometimes.

and yet YOU DO you dont stop, you just do.

maybe i'll never understand that.

and i dont need to really.

thank you. yes, again. thank you.

i'm growing. [emotionaly]

i see this is happening.

i see that i can change it. that its changeable.

8 days.

a week from tomorrow.

ready or not..

we are so ready.

love.

love has found me.

Ali said it at 10:47 p.m..